When I sat with Sarah and Jake last week, they reminded me of something all too familiar. The heavy silence in the room wasn’t just the weight of betrayal but of two lives intersecting at a crossroads. Infidelity isn’t just about a broken promise; it’s about navigating the maze of emotions, rebuilding trust, and deciding the future together.
If you’ve landed on this page, chances are you’re looking for guidance after the hurricane of infidelity has hit your relationship. And believe me, you’re not alone in this.
The discovery or disclosure of an affair is a relationship trauma.
Where trauma means: Shattered Assumptions.
It shatters the past – When you said you were there doing that, were you? When you said you loved me, did you mean it?
It shatters the future – It’s too painful to even look at a future together because the pain of the affair feels permanent and all-encompassing.
And the present is purgatory – Filled with intrusive thoughts, nightmares, shock, anger, emotions all over the place, trouble sleeping – to mention a few.
You’re probably wondering seeking answers to the two most common questions hurt partners ask:
- How could you do this to me?
- How can I ever trust you again?
Fortunately, there is a path out of the hell you’re in…
…Let’s tackle this head-on, shall we?
Seek Professional Help
Affairs happen for a finite number of reasons. Figuring out what kind of affair you’re dealing with is essential to healing from it. A couples-only counsellor – who specialises in working with couples in crisis – can help you see the forest for the trees. In my practice, I’ve seen couples find paths they never knew existed. It’s essential to have a safe space to air out feelings and discover how you both really feel.
Seek Support
One of the worst things about an affair is that the person you’d normally go to for support is the person who has caused you the trauma. Now is the time to lean on your friends and those who love you. But be careful who you choose. You’re looking for folk who will listen and care for you and not people who will tell you what to do.
Communicate, Even When It’s Tough
It’s tempting to shut down. But remember silence can sometimes be louder than words. It’s okay to talk about how you feel, ask questions, and most importantly, listen. Yes, the answers might sting, but they’re crucial for understanding and healing.
Understand the Why
You need to be able to make sense of what happened. Digging deep isn’t about pointing fingers but about understanding the root cause. When Jake hesitantly shared, “I felt ignored,” it was a revelation for both of them. Infidelity is frequently a symptom of deeper issues. Affairs are rarely about sex, they’re often a result of loneliness.
Trust can be Rebuilt
Trust isn’t built overnight, especially after it’s been broken. Set boundaries, check in with each other, and remember it’s okay to ask for reassurance. You’re not being paranoid or clingy; you’re healing. Trust comes back gradually over time.
Decide Together
Whether you choose to stay together or part ways, the decision should be mutual. Some couples find a bond stronger than before, while others realise they’re better off apart. Whatever path you choose, own it.
The discovery or disclosure of an affair tears apart the fabric of your reality.
The ideas above can help you to stitch it back together again.
And you need to know the research suggests you’re looking at one to three years before the pain you’re experiencing moves from all-encompassing here and now to background noise. It’s like grief.
As one of my teachers, Terry Real explained:
“Your hurt will not be forgotten, your hurt will not be resolved. But it will move from foreground to background, just like grief does. It’s an organic process like grief and there will be eruptions of the raw feelings and like grief, it takes one to three years.”
As always, I’m here to help and support you. If you’re feeling lost, reach out. Your relationship is worth fighting for. And if in the end, you decide to part ways, know that healing is still possible.
Stay strong and remember: Every challenge, even this one, brings a lesson. Embrace it, learn, and grow.
Your future self will thank you for it.
