Have you ever noticed how a single heated argument can leave you feeling disconnected from your partner for days…
… Even weeks?
Well, you’re not alone. As a couples-only counsellor, this is one of the most common challenges I see couples face in my Dawlish practice.
Let’s explore this together…
Because here’s the thing: arguments aren’t just about the words exchanged. They’re about the emotional safety that gets compromised in the heat of the moment.
Research from The Gottman Institute, suggests 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems that will never be fully resolved?
Oh no…
Sounds pretty hopeless, right?
Actually, it’s not.
Of course, I prefer couples to avoid arguments.
But I live in the real world too, and I know it’s not always possible.
The important thing is rebuilding a sense of safety afterwards – as quickly as you can.
Now, here’s something interesting I’ve learned from working exclusively with couples: The fastest way to rebuild emotional safety is through what I call the HOK Approach being Honest, Open, and Kind.
Let’s break this down into practical steps…
1. The Cool-Down Period
Your nervous system needs time to settle after an argument. The theory tells us that when we’re flooded with stress hormones, we literally can’t access our rational thinking brain.
Ideally give yourself at least 20 minutes.
30 minutes is better.
Why?
Because it takes at least 20 to 25 minutes for you to ‘de-flood’, for the stress hormones to get through your capillaries and through the kidneys and finally end up in the bladder where they’re not effecting your body.
But here’s the crucial part – let your partner know you’re taking this time.
Otherwise, they’re likely to feel you’re abandoning them. And nothing good will come from that.
2. The Repair Attempt
Well… this is where things get interesting.
Because repair attempts are like emotional band-aids – small gestures that say “I’m still here, I still care.”
These could be:
- A gentle touch on the shoulder
- Making their morning coffee
- A simple text saying “thinking of you”
The research shows that successful couples make repair attempts early and often.
3. The Honest Conversation
Now comes the part that many couples find challenging…
…But it’s essential.
Because here’s what I’ve observed in my therapy room: couples who can have honest conversations about their arguments tend to recover faster.
Try this format:
- “When [situation happened], I felt…”
- “What I needed was…”
- “Next time, could we try…”
It’s not about blame.
It’s about understanding.
4. Rebuilding Connection
Research suggests it takes five positive interactions to outweigh one negative one.
This is where being deliberate about rebuilding connection comes in.
Because small moments (consistently!) matter.
Try these evidence-based approaches:
- Share appreciation daily
- Create small rituals of connection
- Notice and acknowledge your partner’s repair attempts
The Science of Safety
Here’s something fascinating from the research…
…Your brain processes relationship threats in the same area that processes physical pain.
This is why heated arguments hurt so much…
…Literally.
But here’s the good news: your brain also has a remarkable capacity for healing and rewiring these patterns and…
…When couples feel emotionally safe, they actually become more resilient to future conflicts.
The Path Forward
This is where all those small moments of – consistent – repair really start to add up.
Here’s something else I’ve learned from years of being a couples-only counsellor emotional safety isn’t built in grand gestures…
… Ugh, Ugh.
It’s built in small, consistent moments of repair.
The theory suggests each positive interaction creates new neural pathways in your brain. Think of it as building a safety net, one thread at a time.
Truth is, arguments will happen.
But it’s what you do afterwards that determines the strength of your relationship.
Remember…
…Every repair attempt is an investment in your relationship’s emotional bank account.
And isn’t that investment worth making every single day?
Bye for now
Marcus
P.S. If you’re struggling to rebuild emotional safety in your relationship, remember that sometimes an outside perspective can help. As a couples specialist based in Dawlish, I’m here to support you in creating the connection you deserve.
