Here’s something I’ve noticed in my practice over the past few years…
…The couples who sit in my Dawlish office are increasingly bringing up the same invisible third party in their relationship.
Social media.
And it’s wreaking havoc in ways most of us don’t even realise.
The Research Is Clear
Studies suggest couples who use social media more frequently report lower relationship satisfaction.
And it gets worse.
The theory tells us humans are wired for connection. We’re social creatures who need to feel seen, heard, and valued by our partners.
But here’s the thing…
…Social media offers a counterfeit version of that connection. It gives us dopamine hits without the depth. It provides validation without vulnerability.
And your relationship pays the price.
The Four Ways Social Media Damages Your Relationship
As a couples only counsellor, I see these patterns play out again and again:
1. The Comparison Trap
You’re scrolling through Instagram, seeing everyone’s highlight reel. Perfect date nights. Romantic getaways. Couples who seemingly never argue.
Meanwhile, you and your partner just had a row about the dishwasher.
Your brain starts making comparisons…
…And suddenly your perfectly good relationship feels inadequate.
Research suggests comparing your relationship to others on social media is directly linked to relationship dissatisfaction and depression. Or as I like to call it: Compare and Despair.
2. The Divided Attention Problem
Picture this:
You’re sitting together on the sofa. You want to share something about your day. But your partner is scrolling.
“Mmm-hmm,” they murmur, not looking up.
Now, here’s something interesting…
Dr. John Gottman’s research tells us when partners “turn away” from bids for connection, it erodes the relationship foundation. Every time you reach out and get a phone screen instead of eye contact, your emotional bank account takes a hit.
Death by a thousand swipes.
3. The Intimacy Killer
I work with serious couples in serious relationships facing serious problems.
And you know what many of them have in common?
They’re lying in bed together, both on their phones, before rolling over to sleep.
No talking.
No touching.
No connection.
The bedroom – which should be a sanctuary for intimacy – becomes just another place to consume content.
But here’s the thing…
…Physical and emotional intimacy require presence.
You simply cannot be truly present with your partner when you’re also scrolling through TikTok (or whatever your infinite scrolling social media of choice is).
4. The Transparency Problem
Oh boy.
I gotta take a deep breath before writing this. If I could get rid of social media, this would be my second main reason – based on what I see on a painfully regular basis in my office.
Here goes…
…Social media creates opportunities for secrecy and hidden connections.
Old flames are just a DM away. You can cultivate emotional affairs without ever leaving your living room. And the “likes” from attractive strangers provide validation that should be coming from your partner.
I regularly work with issues of infidelity, and I got to tell you emotional affairs through social media are increasing in frequency.
They start innocently enough…
But they create distance between you and your partner that can be devastating.
Note: Some folk see inappropriate relationships as binary. Their thinking is: “If I don’t have sex then it’s not an affair”. But my experience with couples tells me affairs are actually on a sliding scale. And it’s your partner that decides what’s appropriate or inappropriate. And you better pay attention. Well, that’s if you want to stay connected to them.
Hey, I don’t make the rules, I’m just sharing my experience from 7 years of only working with couples.
But Wait – Is Social Media Always Bad?
Well…
No. Of course not.
The research strongly suggest it’s how you use social media that matters far more than whether you use it.
Couples who share positive moments together on social media can actually strengthen their bond. Celebrating your partner publicly, expressing gratitude, and sharing your life together can reinforce your commitment.
The key is intentionality.
Are you using social media to enhance your connection, or to escape from it?
A Tool You Can Use Right Now
Here’s something I share with couples in my practice:
The HOK Communication Check-In
HOK stands for Honest, Open, and Kind.
Try this exercise with your partner:
1. Honest: Have an honest conversation about your social media use. No defensiveness. Just facts. How much time are you each spending on it? When? How does it make you feel?
2. Open: Be open about your concerns. If your partner’s phone use hurts you, say so. Use “I feel” statements: “I feel lonely when you scroll during dinner” rather than “You’re always on your phone.” Starting a conversation with ‘I feel’ usually has a better outcome than starting with ‘You are’.
3. Kind: Approach this conversation with kindness and curiosity, not criticism. Remember – you’re on the same team.
Then create boundaries together.
- Maybe phones don’t come to bed?
- Maybe dinner is device-free?
- Maybe you both delete Instagram for a month to see what happens?
- Is your social media use serving your relationship or sabotaging it?
- Are you more invested in curating your online image than nurturing your actual connection?
- When was the last time you and your partner had an uninterrupted conversation – no phones, no distractions – for more than 15 minutes?
The specific boundaries matter less than the fact that you’re deciding them together.
But…
…If you agree to a boundary, you better stick to it!
What Couples in My Practice Discover
When couples commit to reducing their social media use, something remarkable happens…
They start talking again.
Really talking.
Not just logistics about who’s picking up the kids, but actual conversations about hopes, fears, dreams, and feelings.
The theory tells us emotional connection requires attunement – the ability to tune into your partner’s emotional state and respond appropriately.
You can’t attune to someone when you’re both staring at screens.
If the research is correct, it takes approximately 23 minutes to fully regain focus after a phone interruption.
Think about that…
…If you’re checking your phone every 10 minutes, you’re never fully present with your partner.
Ever.
The Questions You Need to Ask Yourself
Because here’s the thing…
Your relationship won’t survive on autopilot. It needs deliberate attention, mindful presence, and intentional effort.
Social media makes it dangerously easy to coast. To distract yourself when things get difficult. To avoid the vulnerable conversations that actually create intimacy.
The Bottom Line
Couples who thrive aren’t the ones who never face challenges. They’re the ones who face challenges together, with effective communication and mutual commitment.
Social media is simply another challenge to navigate.
If you’re serious about saving your relationship and committed to putting in the work required, you’ll need to take an honest look at how technology is affecting your connection.
Research suggests couples who create intentional boundaries around technology use report higher satisfaction and stronger emotional bonds.
You can do this too.
Start tonight.
Put your phones in another room during dinner.
Look at each other.
Talk.
Listen.
Your relationship deserves your full presence.
Not the leftovers after social media has taken its fill.
—
If you and your partner are struggling to reconnect and you’re ready to do the work, I’m here to help. I offer face-to-face couples therapy sessions in my Dawlish office, as well as online sessions via Zoom.
You can find more information about how I work on my website, or contact me to see whether we’re a good match.
Bye for now,
Marcus.