Well… here’s something that might surprise you:
The strongest relationships aren’t built on perfect communication or never having conflicts.
They’re built on the courage to be vulnerable with each other.
As a couples-only counsellor, I see this play out every day in my therapy room. The couples who make the most progress?
They’re the ones who learn to lower their defensive shields.
Because here’s the thing…
…When we protect ourselves too much, we actually create the very disconnection we’re trying to avoid.
It’s one of those fascinating paradoxes of relationships.
Did you know that Dr. Sue Johnson’s research suggested couples who learn to be vulnerable with each other have significantly higher relationship satisfaction? The theory tells us this is because vulnerability creates emotional bonds that act as a secure base for both partners.
Now, here’s something interesting…
…Most couples I work with – particularly men – initially believe vulnerability means weakness.
But this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Vulnerability requires immense strength and courage.
Let me share a general scenario I often encounter:
A couple sits in my therapy room, both frustrated about feeling disconnected. Partner A complains about Partner B never opening up. Partner B feels criticised and withdraws even more. It’s a classic cycle.
But when Partner B finally shares their fear of being judged…
…And Partner A responds with understanding instead of criticism…
…That’s when real change begins.
So how do we cultivate healthy vulnerability?
Here’s a practical exercise I share with my couples:
The 5-Minute Vulnerability Practice
- Set a timer for 5 minutes
- Share something you’re currently struggling with
- Your partner’s only job is to listen without trying to fix it
- Switch roles and repeat
- Notice how you feel afterward
The key is starting small.
Don’t dive into your deepest fears right away.
Start with something manageable, like sharing a minor worry about work or admitting when you’re having a tough day.
Research suggests these small moments of vulnerability, when met with compassion, create a foundation for deeper emotional connection.
Remember:
- Vulnerability isn’t weakness
- It’s not about oversharing
- It’s about authentic connection
- It requires safety and trust
Most conversations couples have are what I call ‘Above The Line’.
These kind of conversations are useful for making sure bills get paid, children get to appointments and taking care of the logistics of life.
But deep connection and transformation occurs when conversations take place ‘Beneath The Line’.
Where both of you are vulnerable and compassionate.
Have you ever seen a dog roll on its back and show you it’s belly?
It’s basically saying: “I trust you.”
And as a couples counsellor, I’ve seen time and again how learning to be vulnerable transforms relationships.
It’s not easy, especially if you’re not used to doing it.
Or if you’ve grown up in an environment with little safety.
And if you’re reading this thinking “We could never do that”.
Well, that’s exactly why I’m here.
Sometimes we need a guide to help us navigate these vulnerable waters together.
But what stops us from being vulnerable?
In my years as a couples counsellor, I’ve noticed three main barriers:
1. Fear of Rejection – When we share our true feelings, we risk being dismissed or rejected. This fear runs deep, often stemming from past experiences or childhood wounds.
2. Perfectionism – Many of us believe we need to have everything figured out. We think showing uncertainty or struggle makes us less loveable. (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t)
3. Past Hurts – If vulnerability led to pain in the past, your brain is doing its job by trying to protect you. But sometimes these protective walls need gentle updating.
Here’s something crucial to understand…
…Vulnerability doesn’t mean you have to share everything.
Ugh, Ugh.
It’s about choosing to share what matters, with the right person, at the right time.
Think of it like opening a window rather than tearing down the whole wall.
The research shows that couples who practice “graduated vulnerability” – starting small and building up – tend to create stronger, more lasting connections.
As your couples counsellor, I’m trained in creating a safe space for this kind of work.
It’s delicate…
…It’s profound…
…And it’s absolutely possible for you and your partner to develop this skill together.
Remember: Every strong relationship started with someone being brave enough to go first.
Bye for now
Marcus.
