Have you ever felt like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages when it comes to emotions?
Well…
…You’re not alone.
As a couples-only counsellor, this is probably the most common challenge I see in my Dawlish practice.
And it’s also one of the most crucial to address.
Let’s unpack it together.
Because here’s the thing…
…Understanding your partner’s emotional needs isn’t just about being nice or supportive.
It’s about survival.
Yes, you read that right – It’s about the survival of your relationship.
Did you know, when partners consistently miss each other’s emotional signals, it creates what we couples counsellors call an “attachment injury”?
Oh no… that sounds serious, doesn’t it?
It is.
The theory suggests we humans are wired for connection.
It’s not just some fluffy idea – it’s backed by decades of research. And in my practice, I see it play out every single day.
Now, here’s something interesting…
…Most couples who come to see me aren’t actually failing at understanding each other’s needs.
Ugh, Ugh.
They’re failing at expressing their own needs.
Remember…
…Sharing your emotional needs isn’t being selfish. It’s being kind to your relationship.
Let’s break this down into three key areas:
- Recognition – When was the last time you really looked at your partner’s face when they were talking? I mean really looked? Because subtle emotional cues are happening all the time…
- Response – It’s not enough to just notice. You need to respond. But here’s the catch – your response needs to match their need, not what you think they need.
- Repair – We all mess up. That’s just being human. But successful couples? They’re really good at repair attempts.
The research shows us something fascinating:
Couples who understand each other’s emotional needs have a 70-75% better chance of maintaining a satisfying relationship.
That’s not just a number – that’s real hope for real couples.
Because here’s what I’ve learned in my years as a couples-only therapist:
“Emotions aren’t problems to be solved. They’re signals to be understood.”
Think about it…
…When your partner is upset, are they looking for solutions, or are they looking for connection?
Let me share a simple tool I use with couples in my practice:
Start with “I notice…”
Then follow with “I imagine you might be feeling…”
And finish with “What do you need from me right now?”
This approach is honest, open, and kind
And it works.
Remember…
…Your partner’s emotional needs aren’t a puzzle to solve.
They’re a path to deeper connection.
Want to know the real secret?
The couples who make it aren’t the ones who never have problems. They’re the ones who learn to turn towards each other’s emotional needs, even when it’s difficult.
Because at the end of the day, understanding your partner’s emotional needs isn’t about being perfect…
…It’s about being present.
Now, I want to share something that might surprise you…
In my practice, I often see couples who think they’re terrible at emotional communication. But when we dig deeper, we discover they’re actually quite skilled at it – they’ve just been using those skills in the wrong direction.
Let me explain…
Have you ever noticed how good you are at reading your partner’s mood when you’re worried about them being upset with you? That’s emotional intelligence in action! The challenge isn’t your ability to read emotions – it’s the anxiety that’s directing your attention.
Here’s a practical exercise I often share with couples in my Dawlish practice
For one week, try this “Emotional Weather Report” exercise:
- Each evening, take 5 minutes to share your emotional weather
- Start with “Today, my emotional weather was…”
- Use weather metaphors: sunny, cloudy, stormy, etc.
- Your partner just listens – no fixing, no solving
- End with one thing that would help tomorrow’s forecast
Because here’s what matters…
…When you create a safe space for emotions to be expressed without judgment, you’re building what the research calls “emotional attunement.”
And that’s where the magic happens.
Every step toward understanding your partner’s emotional needs is a step toward the relationship you both dream of.
Bye for now
Marcus.
P.S. If you’re struggling to understand each other’s emotional needs, remember – that’s exactly what I’m here for. As a couples-only counsellor in Dawlish, I specialise in helping partners reconnect emotionally using evidence-based approaches that really work.
