{"id":986,"date":"2023-03-24T15:56:44","date_gmt":"2023-03-24T14:56:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/southdevoncouplestherapy.com\/?p=986"},"modified":"2023-03-24T17:16:23","modified_gmt":"2023-03-24T16:16:23","slug":"the-tools-of-a-professional-couples-only-counsellor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/southdevoncouplestherapy.com\/the-tools-of-a-professional-couples-only-counsellor\/","title":{"rendered":"The Tools Of A Professional Couples Only Counsellor"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.\u201d<\/p>\n

Abraham Maslow<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/em><\/center><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t \u201cfix\u201d relationships. <\/p>\n

I used to try when I first began working as a couples only counsellor. <\/p>\n

But quickly learned that\u2019s not my job. <\/p>\n

My job is to teach you and your partner how to have HOK conversations<\/a> built upon safety and trust. <\/p>\n

And then you<\/strong> fix your relationship. <\/p>\n

If that\u2019s what you both want. <\/p>\n

Now then\u2026
\n<\/p>\n

\u2026It all sounds very simple doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

And in theory it is. <\/p>\n

But it\u2019s a lot more complicated in practice. <\/p>\n

Over the years I\u2019ve accumulated a lot of tools to best help my couples have HOK Conversations. <\/p>\n

Now\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026I\u2019m a professional. <\/p>\n

And I take care of my tools. I keep them ordered in separate Toolboxes, so they\u2019re quick and easy to find. <\/p>\n

In this blog post, I\u2019ll give you a quick over view of what each toolbox is for and where appropriate I\u2019ll introduce you to a few of the tools I use most frequently from it.<\/p>\n

Sound good?<\/p>\n

Okay then, let\u2019s go. <\/p>\n

Assessment Toolkit<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

You wouldn\u2019t want to walk through a minefield without a map. And all of my couples counselling work starts with assessment. If I don\u2019t know where you\u2019re getting stuck\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026I can\u2019t prescribe the right tools to get you unstuck.<\/p>\n

Here are some of the most common assessment tools I use:<\/p>\n

Screening<\/strong> – In my experience there are 4 situations couples can be dealing with that may require a different intervention first, before they can benefit from couples counselling. Screening is essential because it means you\u2019re in the right place.<\/p>\n

Mission<\/strong> – Most couples I work with are very clear on what they don\u2019t want. But few of them are as clear on what they DO<\/em> want. At the start of our work together, it\u2019s essential we all agree on what the goal is for our work together.<\/p>\n

Origin story<\/strong> – It\u2019s vital I know how you became a couple. I gain essential relationship information from leading you – systematically<\/em> – through your unique origin story.<\/p>\n

Argument<\/strong> – I don\u2019t use this tool as often as I once did. But it can give good insights into how you handle conflict.<\/p>\n

Attachment History<\/strong> – Because we aren\u2019t taught how to be relational. Most of us learn how to do relationships by observing the relationships around us. Truth is, most couples I work with have no experience of what a healthy relationship looks like, so how can they expect to have one? This tool focuses on 4 key areas and allows me to build an accurate picture of any essential relational skills that might be missing.<\/p>\n

There are more, but these are the tools I use most frequently in the assessment stage of couples therapy. These tools help me to understand your relationship\u2019s strengths and weaknesses. With this information, I know which tools to use to help you:<\/p>\n

Use your strengths. <\/p>\n

Build up your weaknesses. <\/p>\n

So you can have HOK conversations. <\/p>\n

Once the Assessment stage is completed, I\u2019ll share my findings with you and present a plan. <\/p>\n

If you\u2019re happy with it\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026The work begins.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s when I usually reach for\u2026<\/p>\n

Relationship Building Toolkit<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

These are my bread and butter tools they\u2019re useful no matter what the main goal of therapy is.<\/p>\n

4 Horsemen<\/strong> – The Gottman Institute has some of the best tools available when it comes to building happy, healthy and loving relationships that last. And this is possibly may favourite. I think of it as the Swiss Army Knife of couples counselling. How come? Because it has many other valuable tools branching out from it and it\u2019s a powerful way to help couples lay down a strong foundation they can build a loving relationship upon.<\/p>\n

Expressing Needs<\/strong> – How a couples does the first three minutes of a conflict conversation predicts with over 90% accuracy what will happen to their marriage five years down the road. Mastering this tool helps you to avoid negative outcomes whilst improving your chances of getting your needs met.<\/p>\n

Needs and Wants<\/strong> – Imagine knowing, with absolute certainty, what your partners top 4 four needs and wants are in order to feel safe and loved by you. Now imagine your partner knows what your top 4 needs and wants are. Now imagine how different your relationship could be if you were both committed to meeting each others needs and wants. I got this amazing tool from relationship expert Michael Myerscough and couples love it.<\/p>\n

Doom Loop Diagnostic<\/strong> – The origins of this tool are from Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). Many couples get stuck in a negative cycle. This tool helps them to understand the roles they play in this dance and to discover the vulnerable emotions that drive it. Equipped with these insights they know how to interrupt it and break free from its negativity. It\u2019s good stuff.<\/p>\n

Appreciation<\/strong> – Appreciation is the lube that makes relationships rub along without too much friction. And it\u2019s the antidote to walking on egg shells. But you\u2019ve got to do it right. I use Dr Chapman\u2019s 5 love languages diagnostic tool so you know what type of appreciations your partner likes the best. <\/p>\n

Effective Communication\/Conflict Toolbox<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

All couples argue. All couples fall out and disagree at some point. The difference is in how quickly they repair the relationship after a conflict. Because conflict is such a common part of being in a relationship, I have a specialised toolkit specifically for helping couples deal with conflict conversations constructively. <\/p>\n

Here are my top 4 tools:<\/p>\n

Understanding <\/strong>– I got this one from my favourite psychologist Jordan Peterson. Most conflict conversations look something like this: <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, I\u2019m gonna tell you why I\u2019m right and I win if you agree.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/em><\/p>\n

This inevitably leads to escalating conflict. But when you use the \u2018Understanding\u2019 tool, you get to have a very different and much more beneficial conversation. The best way to solve a conflict is if you know what\u2019s going on. And you only know what\u2019s going on if you and your partner feel heard and understood. Used correctly\u2026 This tool guarantees you do. <\/p>\n

Dreams Within Conflict<\/strong> – Recognising that not all conflicts are the same, this tool helps you to gain clarity as to what\u2019s actually going on underneath the surface. These conflicts usually arise from feelings of discomfort and confusion about life, especially when it feels like your beliefs, values and desires are in conflict with your partners.<\/p>\n

Aftermath of a Fight<\/strong> – Conflict usually results in injuries. This tool is valuable for fixing up attachment injuries and preventing them from getting infected and turning into full grown relationship killing wounds.<\/p>\n

Effective Time Out (ETO)<\/strong> – Sometimes an argument is unavoidable. But with practice, it is possible to notice when one or both of you is starting to get flooded with stress hormones. Then, instead of continuing into a conflict, you can take an ETO instead. And when you come back and start again you\u2019ll find you\u2019re better able to listen, empathise, deescalate the situation and turn attack\/defend into self-disclosure. This is one of those tools you\u2019ve got to experience in order to appreciate it\u2019s awesomeness. Because on first glance, it\u2019s easy to miss how powerful it really is.<\/p>\n

Mixed Agenda Couples Toolbox<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

Mixed Agenda? <\/p>\n

Fair point.<\/p>\n

A mixed agenda is where one partner is \u2018leaning out\u2019 of the relationship, they\u2019re not sure if they want to be in it any more and are seriously considering divorce. And the other partner is \u2018leaning in\u2019, they\u2019re eager to save the marriage.<\/p>\n

Hence\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026Mixed Agenda Couple (MAC).<\/p>\n

In the past I\u2019ve found working with MAC\u2019s difficult. How come? Because couples therapy tools are a poor fit for the problem. Why? Because couples therapy works on the assumption of there being a Joint Agenda. Where both partners agree they want to at least make the marriage better. <\/p>\n

The solution?<\/p>\n

Discernment Counselling<\/strong> – This is a whole toolbox of tools in it\u2019s own right and it\u2019s my go to kit for couples on the brink of divorce. It\u2019s so good in fact I\u2019ll be offering it as an additional service in the very near future.<\/p>\n

Affair Toolbox<\/strong><\/center><\/p>\n

The discovery or disclosure of an affair is a relationship trauma. And I\u2019m using the word \u2018trauma\u2019 here to mean \u2018Shattered Assumptions\u2019. It casts a dark shadow over the past, makes the present a nightmare and eviscerates the future. <\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m an eclectic kinda guy. <\/p>\n

But the solid ground I stand upon when working with affairs is Terry Real\u2019s Relational Life Therapy (RLT) tools. They help the Hurt Partner to stitch back together the torn fabric of their life and rebuild trust in the Involved Partner. <\/p>\n

And they help the Involved Partner to develop compassionate empathy and accountability for the hurt and damage they\u2019ve done. The tools I use focus on promoting truth and transparency.<\/p>\n

This is hard work. <\/p>\n

In my experience the Involved Partner is keen to move on and out of this situation, they want done with it. <\/p>\n

But the Hurt Partner\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026This nuclear device has vaporised their world. They\u2019re in shock, they need to get into it. They need to understand what happened, they need to ask questions\u2026<\/p>\n

\u2026So many questions the Involved Partner will need to develop the patience of a saint.<\/p>\n

The tools in this box are used to achieve the following outcomes as efficiently as possible:<\/p>\n