There is one quality I’ve noticed the couples who succeed with relationship therapy have…

… A quality that those who don’t, don’t have.

Would you like to know what it is?

You would?

Okay then…

…read on and discover the one thing you and your partner must do if you want to get the full benefits of relationship therapy.

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“How did we get this far apart?
We used to be so close together
How did we get this far apart?
I thought this love would last forever”
The Cure – Apart

A lovely couple came to see me for marriage counseling last week.

And it quickly became obvious that when they first met they had plenty of what Terry Real calls: Face to Face Energy.

Face-to-face energy is where you and your partner are so into each other you make those around you feel ill. You listen deeply to what your partner has to say, when you’re not with them you can’t stop thinking about them and when you’re together it feels safe, stimulating, and sexy.

And that’s how most relationships start.

But then gradually – over time – face-to-face energy gets replaced with side by side energy.

Why?
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“They don’t have a relationship problem…
…They have a toxic ex-spouse problem.”

Supervision is very helpful for getting an unbiased, big picture view of a couple’s situation. You see, my job is to roll my sleeves up and get in the trenches with you, and sometimes that means I can lose sight of what might be going on.

So it’s good to discuss my work regularly (whilst protecting your anonymity) with an experienced third party.

During a recent supervision session, I was talking about a new couple I’d started with and the difficulty I was experiencing due to what my assessment had concluded.

And what was that?

Well, according to my investigation of their situation, I’d concluded they didn’t have a relationship problem…

…They had a toxic ex-spouse problem.

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I spend a lot of time thinking about the couples I do therapy with.

Usually whilst out walking with my Lovely Labrador Louis.

Walking through the woods and on the beach with my dog, is the ideal setting for contemplating.

It’s when I have most of my best ideas and breakthroughs.

And I’ll often have to stop and write notes.

This happened recently whilst I was out walking with Louis, I was working with a couple battling to overcome the world-shattering impact of his affair.

Here’s the letter I wrote to him.

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ITV South West recently invited me to take part in an article for the news.

They wanted a relationship therapist to comment on a study by the Marriage Foundation. A study suggesting couples who meet online (versus through friends) are six times more likely to divorce in the first three years of marriage.

They wanted to ask me:

  1. Why do I think couples who meet through family/friends networks might be more successful?
  2. What my advice would be to those couples who have met online?

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Being a relationship therapist has given me many valuable insights into what nurtures relationships…

…And what harms them.

And whilst the love and connection between every couple I work with is as unique as a snowflake or a fingerprint…

…There are a handful of mistakes I see repeated over and over again.

Today, I’d like to share one of them with you.

I call it: Telepathy.

In this post, I’ll explain what it is and then share a simple antidote to it.

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I was working with a couple dealing with the fall out from an affair.

The injured party had understandably embraced the ‘Victim’ role.

And the perpetrator was in the ‘Bad Guy’ role.

This is natural, understandable, and totally acceptable when the revelation of an affair is experienced.

But it’s not a place from which repair of the relationship can occur.

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Choosing a couples counsellor isn’t easy. Why?

Because as soon as you start looking for one you’re overwhelmed with misleading advertising, misleading claims and a tsunami of bad information.

So how do you find the very best couples counselling without wasting precious time, energy and money? Especially when you’ve no idea of what’s involved?

You start by reading this post.

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