“Vulnerability to vulnerability is the velcro that all couples need.”
Kathryn Rheem

Life is hard, loneliness is on the rise and we all need Bonding Moments not just with our partners but also with our friends and family in order to get the benefits of love.

Studies suggest love helps you to:

• Seek support when you need it
• Be better at giving support to others
• Roll with the ups and downs of life (and relationships)
• Be less aggressive and hostile

And as a result, we like ourselves more.

But what is love?
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“Intimacy is our birthright. Unresolved attachment injuries from the past cause relationship issues in the present.”– Michael Myerscough

Attachment Theory is based on John Bowlby’s attachment research.

Born in 1907 Bowlby rebelled against the popular psychoanalytical view of the time that patients problems lay in their internal conflicts and unconscious fantasies.

Bowlby insisted people’s problems were mostly external and rooted in real relationships with real people.

Through his work Bowlby found humans have an inbuilt need to feel attached to and comforted by significant others. In adults these attachment relationships are believed to be as important for survival as nutrition and reproduction.

This is such an important point I’m going to share it with you again:
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“Emotion has control precedence neurologically” – Ed Tronick

Quite a few of my couples get uncomfortable when I encourage them to get into their emotions.

Often questioning why it’s necessary when it frequently seems – on the surface – that part of the problem they’re facing is caused by their emotions.

Well, here’s the short answer:

Your logical brain is nowhere near powerful enough to talk your emotional brain out of its experience…

…That’s just how the human nervous system is wired. So if you want to change your experience you have to get up close to your emotions. Specifically your softer, more vulnerable emotions.

In my experience, you can’t talk someone out of what they’re feeling.

How come?
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I don’t “fix” relationships.

I used to try when I first began working as a couples only counsellor.

But quickly learned that’s not my job.

My job is to teach you and your partner how to have HOK conversations built upon safety and trust.

And then you fix your relationship.

If that’s what you both want.

Now then…
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After working with so many couples, I am convinced there are 3 Golden Rules essential for building and maintaining a great relationship.

Would you like to know what they are?

You would?
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After 40 years of marriage, two children, and aiding in the transition of elderly parents, James and Joan were the very best of friends.

They were such good friends in fact, that when James decided to tell his wife he was leaving her for an old flame from 41 years ago, he honestly – hand on heart – thought she’d be okay with it.

They’d reconnected via Facebook just three weeks previously.
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“…A Minute To Learn… A Lifetime To Master.”

I’m often asked if couples counselling works?

And I reply with something along the lines of:

“It works really well if you’re prepared to do the work required.”

And that often comes as a disappointment to most people.

Why?
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I work with couples experiencing some kind of relationship crisis.

And as unique and adorable as every couple I work with is…

…There are a few themes that repeat regularly.

Today, I’d like to talk with you about one of the top 3:
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Do you think sex is important in a relationship?

If you do, you’re going to love this blog post.

And if you don’t, you’re still going to find some of it interesting, promise.

How come?

Let me explain.
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