Hi there, it’s Marcus here.
I hope this post finds you in a good place in your life and, if not, that it helps you move towards one.
Today we’re going to be talking about trust – a pretty big word, isn’t it? It’s the foundation of every healthy relationship and, yet, it can be incredibly hard to build, especially when it’s been broken before.
So, how do you build – or even rebuild – trust in a relationship?
Before we delve into practical suggestions, let’s take a second to understand what trust really is.
Trust is like the foundation of a house – it’s what keeps everything upright and steady. Without it, well, things can get pretty shaky, pretty fast.
The 3 Core Ways to Build Trust
Now, you’ve probably heard people say trust takes time.
True.
But it also takes action.
We’re talking about intentional actions, Honest Open Kind (HOK) communication, and consistent behaviour.
Sounds simple, right?
It is, but you’re smart enough to know simple doesn’t mean easy.
Because the reality is…
…It’s a bit more complex than that.
Especially when you remember we’re human beings, not robots which means:
- We make mistakes.
- We have doubts.
- We struggle.
I’ve been a couples only counsellor for years now. I’ve seen relationships on the brink of collapse turn around and become something beautiful, all because two people decided to work on trust.
So, how can you work on building trust?
1. Effective communication
Which means you talk honestly, openly and most importantly…
…Kindly with your partner.
This means expressing your feelings, your thoughts, your fears, and even your hopes. It means not bottling things up. And it means being vulnerable with your partner, even when it feels uncomfortable.
2. Be Reliable
If you say you’re going to do something, do it.
This might seem minor, but it’s how trust is built over time – little by little, action by action.
Let me reemphasise that because it’s so important. Especially if you’re in the process of rebuilding trust.
Trust is rebuilt:
- Little by little.
- Deliberate action by deliberate action.
- Consistently over time.
3. Empathy
Understand where your partner is coming from.
Show them you can step into their shoes and view the world from their perspective. Ask them questions that demonstrate a sincere desire to better understand their view. Some of the best questions I’ve found to really get to the core of someone’s perspective on a subject include:
- Tell me why this is so important to you?
- Is there a story behind this for you?
- What are your feelings on this issue?
- What do you wish for?
Is there a deeper meaning, purpose or goal in this for you?
The Importance of Accountability
While effective communication, reliability and empathy are critical for building trust, there is another important element that is often overlooked — being accountable.
When you make a mistake or let your partner down, take responsibility.
Don’t make excuses or shift blame. A sincere apology and commitment to do better goes a long way in repairing trust.
And the best way to ruin an apology is to stick the word ‘But…’ on the end of it.
Why?
Because ‘But…’ cancels out an apology.
An apology helps to defuse a situation, it’s not an end to a conversation. An apology allows space for you and your partner to move forwards and to have further conversations.
Moving on…
…Accountability also means not hiding things from your partner, even if you think it may upset them.
This can be especially tough.
Especially if you’ve lost trust because you’ve been discovered having an affair, or you’ve disclosed to your partner you’ve had an affair.
Too many times I’ve witnessed the damage caused when the ‘Involved Partner’ (the one who had the affair) is economical with the truth.
It usually goes something like this:
The involved partner wants to minimise the hurt they’ve caused to their partner. So they hold important details back. If those details are later found out (they usually are) the discovery doesn’t just knock the hurt partner back a few steps.
Oh no…
…It totally wipes out any trust rebuilt and can destroy the relationship.
Secrecy erodes trust quickly.
Bring issues into the light through respectful discussion. This allows you both to understand what happened, why it happened, and how to avoid repeats.
Finally, hold yourself accountable by following through on promises.
Do what you say you will do. If circumstances prevent you from keeping a commitment, explain this to your partner and identify how you will get back on track. Accountability demonstrates you take the relationship seriously.
Overall, being accountable is about owning your words and actions. It shows your partner they can rely on you because you hold yourself to high standards, even when you stumble. Accountability helps build trust consistently over time.
Don’t Give Up – Seek Support If Needed
Now, are these things always easy to do?
Of course not.
Anything worth doing is rarely easy.
But remember, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about making progress. And most importantly, it’s about showing up, even when things are tough.
If you’re finding trust in your relationship challenging, you don’t have to do it alone.
As a couples only counsellor, I’ve seen the incredible transformations that can happen with professional guidance and support.
So don’t hesitate to seek help if you need it.
Are you ready to build (or rebuild) trust in your relationship?
Let’s take that first step together
Remember, it’s all about progress, not perfection.
To your relationship success,
