Conflict.
It’s inevitable in any relationship.
Misunderstandings happen.
Feelings get hurt.
Fights occur.
But just because some conflict is normal, doesn’t mean you should accept a relationship filled with arguing, shouting and resentment.
With good communication skills and a dash of compassion, you can resolve conflicts before they spiral out of control.
In this post, we’ll explore:
- Common causes of conflict
- Keys to resolving disagreements
- Resolving specific conflict triggers
- When to seek help
- Tools for better communication
Let’s get to it!
Common Causes of Conflict
- Poor communication – Hinting instead of directness. Withholding feelings. Lack of listening.
- Unrealistic expectations – Of partner, relationship, or how life “should be.”
- Differing priorities – Money, kids, work, leisure time. Mismatched goals.
- Stress spillover – Job stress, family issues, health problems.
- Insecurities – Self-doubt, jealousy, fear of abandonment. Underlying anxiety.
- Change – Transition periods, life upheavals. Change creates uncertainty.
- Childhood baggage – Unresolved trauma, attachment styles, learned behaviours.
Keys to Resolving Disagreements
- Listen – Without interrupting. Seek first to understand (to your partners satisfaction), not to be understood.
- Reflect – Paraphrase what you heard. “It sounds like you feel…”
- Take responsibility – Use “I” statements, not “you.” No blaming allowed.
- Compromise – Find middle ground. It’s not about winning, it’s about mutual understanding.
- Communicate needs kindly – No demands or criticism. “I would appreciate if…”
- Take a Time Out – Calm down before continuing. Revisit when cooler heads prevail.
- Forgive – Let go of grudges or the need to be “right.” Give your partner grace.
- Show appreciation – Express gratitude for your partner’s efforts. Praise builds goodwill.
Resolving Specific Conflict Triggers
Along with general principles, certain common conflict triggers require specialised approaches:
- Money disagreements – Compromise on a budget. Communicate before big purchases. Agree to regular money talks.
- Parenting disputes – Present a united front, then discuss in private. Don’t undermine each other.
- Annoying habits – Don’t nitpick. Focus on your own behaviours, not your partner’s.
- In-law issues – Discuss boundaries/expectations beforehand, not in the moment.
- Challenging work schedules – Calendar quality time. Coordinate responsibilities. Maximise time together.
- Sexual mismatches – Discuss needs kindly outside the bedroom. Don’t take it personally.
With insight into common triggers, you can tailor your approach and avoid destructive conflicts.
When to Seek Help
If disputes become heated or personalised, or you find yourself stuck in conflict cycles, seeking professional guidance can help.
A couples counsellor provides tools to:
- Uncover root issues driving conflicts
- Improve communication and listening skills
- Address past hurts and insecurities
- Establish healthy boundaries
- Find win/win compromises
Don’t stay trapped in destructive conflict cycles.
Help is available.
Tools for Better Communication
Little things can make a big difference in how you communicate with your partner:
- Make eye contact when you speak and listen. Avoid distractions.
- Ask open-ended questions – “How did that make you feel?”
- No sarcasm or cynicism – They corrode trust and goodwill.
- Compliment freely – “I really appreciate it when you…”
- Touch lovingly – A hug defuses tension. Reconnect physically.
With good communication as your foundation, you can resolve disagreements healthily, and grow closer through the process.
If destructive conflict persists in your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can schedule an appointment with me.
Until next time, be well and take care of each other.
Bye for now,
Marcus
